Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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