Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
