i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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