remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
