Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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