Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
