hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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