You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize