We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
