Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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