Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize