I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
