I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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