watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
