he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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