There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
