shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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