i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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