Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
