My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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