Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
