Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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