I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize