I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize