you didnt know i had herpes?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
