Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
