smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
