why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
