We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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