At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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