Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
They left me at home... I'm a liability
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
