She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
