The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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