So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Your dad touched me again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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