My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
