omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
