Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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