I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
