oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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