1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
