I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
