do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
