Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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