I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She just used a chaser for red wine.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
