Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
