My sheets look like a crime scene.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
