I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
