Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
