A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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