Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
