Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
