At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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