I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
