you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
