My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
