I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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