I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
