there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We have so much sex to catch up on
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
