Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
