my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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