I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
