cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
