when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
