do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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