I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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