I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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