between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
